New Opportunities

Today I am thankful for new beginnings, new opportunities. New jobs, more time with time with the people I love, the first snowfall.

Despite the craziness in life, I am thankful. The world is a wintry white. It is a new season. Happy heart.

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Musings of the day

I’m sitting here in our kitchen, dinner on the stove. Family dinner canceled by bio mom. She decided she could take “Little Lady” earlier than she had originally told us. Hubby is off for an hour dropping her off to bio mom. A small dagger to the heart.

Hubby received a text just before he left from “Teenager”. It was a response to a text from Hubby to Teenager telling him he loved him and hoped school was going well for him. Let’s just say the response was not kind. A small dagger to the heart.

Meetings this morning about how to deal with past, present, and possible “to be situations” with extended family. A small dagger to the heart.

The past year has seemed like the death of many dreams, many times over.

But I’m so very proud of my Hubby. Proud of the way he has stood up for me, for himself, for our marriage, for our family. Doing what is best and right for our family, even though not always the popular amongst the crowd of onlookers.

I’m so very thankful to God for guiding us and leading us through many heartbreaking and exhaustive situations and circumstances that we never could have guessed would happen in this first year of our marriage.

God is good. He is faithful. Faithful to me, and my Hubby. We are very blessed even in the midst of trials.

We refuse to be victims, we are overcomers and conquerors.

Small daggers to the heart happen, but with God’s strength we will learn, grow, brush ourselves off, stand up and go on with our life together.

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An Ode to My Hubby

Hubby and I make a pretty good team. Sure, we get on each others nerves sometimes, and we don’t always see every situation through the same eyes (but if we did, wouldn’t that be a bit odd??) but when push comes to shove, on the good days and the rough days when we turn to the other for encouragement or a look of reassurance, or an “I love you, no matter what’…we are always there for each other. Always.

I found out recently that the day before our wedding, a non-named member of extended family told Hubby I could cancel the wedding if I wanted too. I was shocked and horrified of learning upon that. But it sheds much light on why things have gone down the way they have. They believed we were bound to fail before we set foot down the aisle.

It breaks my heart a little bit, every time I think of that. 

But in no way, shape, or form does that have bearing on our marriage. What Hubby and I have walked through (with God’s grace leading us the whole way!) in the past 11 months of marriage, is more than most people would walk through in their first ten years of marriage. And its not just me saying that, professionals have made that comment!

It has not weakened us, as individuals or our relationship, as a couple; in fact it has done quite the opposite. We are a closer, stronger, more in love couple than we were a year ago.  We have seen each other at our worst and our best…and we can definitely live with both of those extremes, and help the other one along when needed. Hubby is my best friend and my love. 

Hubby has grown into a much more confident hubby and dad, in the past year. He has laid down his pride, and made great sacrifices for the betterment of our marriage, and our family. It has not been an easy road for him, he has given up what was comfortable and known for what is new and uncomfortable. But what was comfortable he realized was quite unhealthy and dysfunctional; he is taking the time to relearn new ways of approaching situations and people, and standing up for what he believes in, and what is the best for our family. I am super proud of him.

I love him. And yes, even though we joke that these past 11 months have felt like 11 years, I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

 

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Some great moments…and a not so great one.

In the midst of all the craziness of our lives lately, I have rather put off and/or forgotten to blog. With so much of my life having to be left out of my blog, it didn’t seem to make much sense to write ambiguous post after ambiguous post; and with all the busyness going on I have been falling into bed at 730pm exhausted. Doesn’t leave too much time for the writing, but this morning I have a few free minutes and decided writing might do this heavy heart some good.

This past weekend we took “Little Lady” to a harvest festival complete with corn mazes, pig races, corn pits, hay bales and old rubber tires to run around on and jump off of. I baked banana bread and brownies. We cleaned the house. We spent time with family and friends. We went to church. It was probably the most typical weekend we have had in quite a while.

I was hoping we had a gotten a little bit further than we had. Yesterday I picked up a new outfit for “Little Lady” while out for lunch at the mall, I baked brownies and banana bread (which she loves), we watched “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” together, we had carved pumpkins earlier in the week, we had her favorite bread at a couple of meals over the weekend, I had fixed her hair for her throughout the week (which no other relative or family member or friend does for her) and yet…the jealousy still seems to reign when Hubby and I are with her together. When I went to sit on our couch, she made a disgruntled noise that she had to sit by me.

Monday morning finds me feeling a bit deflated. In spite of everything else we have going on, and all the other emotions, this one seemed to poke the most.

Being a step parent truly feels like a loveless position to be in sometimes.

We’ll try again.

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Crazy Times

Today most definitely started on the wrong side of the bed. Add to it, that’s it a rather gloomy overcast day & the many decisions that have to be made over the next few weeks & the family drama & the jobless “hubby”…it’s feeling like the pressure cooker is on high. Just sayin’

In the midst of all this, we are trying to work with “Little Lady” on some not so lady like behaviors. And no matter how much I’m around her, no matter how many countless hours I step-parent, I’m not her biological parent. Which means my say, my input, my influence only can go so far, which means I need “hubby” there.

The pressure, the to do lists, the changes, everything is all insanely crazy. But we cannot let circumstances dictate chaos into our lives, and being frozen in place…as fear of the unknown can often do.

As the pressure gets turned up, I have found myself being accused time and time again. I find myself doubting and questioning.

More than anything I wish for a few hours of peace, a few hours of being able to clear my mind.

Maybe later, but for now, its back to work.

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Another rather ambiguous posting.

Oh I wish I could share the past week of trials & joys with you all. Unfortunately, I cannot.

But what I can say, is that my world has been flipped upside down, right side under, etc and in the next month as a family we have many many many transitions coming our way.

Hubby and I have been married for around 10 months, it seriously feels like 10 years.

Our lives have been filled with false accusations, spiteful and vengeful actions against us, lies, constantly trying to be drawn into fights and arguments no matter how many times we have simply tried to walk away.

I love peace, I love calmness, I dislike arguing and fighting; but I will fight for what is important to me. So you’ve got another thing coming if you think that I will let anyone simply walk all over me…NOT happening.

God is my strength, in these times, and my joy, in the many blessings we have seen come our way this past week.

He is good & faithful~all the time.

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And our world is flipped upside down…just like that.

I wish I could truly bare all of what has transpired over the past few days but for legalities sake I cannot say much, at this point.

I knew certain familiar individuals truly did not like me, and hubby; but to threaten our everything if we do not comply with their request was beyond what even I thought those people would stoop so low.

Falsehoods, betrayal, legal action…all for lies.

On the positive side of it though we have seen God move in some quite miraculous and amazing ways. Hubby and I have found our marriage and bond strengthened.

We need more of those amazing blessings, favor, and miracles God has lavished on us this weekend!

Please keep us in you prayers!

 

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Prayer

To my readers, I’m asking for prayer for the truth to be brought to light and to be illuminated, and that it will prevail!

 

Thank you!

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Power of a Praying Man

I don’t think I’ve many male followers to my blog; however I’m still gonna write this post, as its been tugging at my heart.

Hubby loves to pray, this morning on our daily walk we spent time praying together for a few very specific difficult situations we are in the midst of. I love that about him, I love his heart to hear God’s voice and to spend time communing with him on behalf of our family.

Today I’ve found myself looking back these situations we are in, and they are ones we have been dealing with for quite a while. Since the start of it, a year ago to now, I am so proud of how far Hubby has come in terms of leading our family, and stepping up to the God given position of the spiritual head of our home.

In this, I’ve realized a few things, there is power when a man prays. Now ladies, please hear me, we have a determination and a “never give up” spirit when it comes to prayer, and I believe God loves that about us, and He placed that in us. He hears our prayers, and answers them, and there is power in them.

But there is something that shifts when the spiritual head of a home prays, and I believe it is because praying causes him to shift. It shifts his attitude, his mind, his heart, his emotions and in turn it changes the whole atmosphere of the home. There is power when a man prays for his marriage, for his family, for his household.

Men, prayer warriors (a term which I’m not sure where it came from, as it isn’t ever found in the Bible!) are not just women, women are not the only ones called to pray. There is great power in your prayers, there is a release over your marriage, and your family when you pray, as the spiritual head of your household.

Be bold. Be courageous. Start praying and see your marriage and your family transformed!

 

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Taking Peace in this Storm

I was a people pleaser, I lived to make others happy, lived to not get in trouble. I was a quiet shy unspoken kid. Frizzy hair, few extra pounds, conservatively dressed, bookworm extraordinaire, good student…I’m sure you get the idea. My siblings still speak to this day how I was the “perfect child.”

But I was terrified to messing up, of failing, of getting in trouble. I became a perfectionist. It wasn’t until years later in college, that I became secure who I was and confident in myself.

Until lately. Being a step mom and my Hubby’s family pretty much turning their backs on me, even before our wedding, has solidified the feeling that they don’t like who I am, don’t approve of my choices or my beliefs, they don’t like boundaries. They don’t like the way I parent, and my Hubby, who wanted to be liked and approved of by everyone just wanted to be everyone’s friend until recently when he decided he had enough of the disrespect and of his kids ruling the house.

However I found myself being the one blamed for everyone else’s poor choices, “Teenager”, “Little Lady”, “Hubby”, “Ex-Wife”…I get blamed for all their poor choices, bad decisions, brokenness, etc. Stories that I’ve been told that happened before my presence existed in this family tell me those problems all existed years before I even made it to this family. But still I am the one blamed.

Hubby is greatly blamed for the issues that the other parties have had a hand in. He isn’t the one to blame for “Little Lady’s” fear of never seeing people she loves again…when it was “Ex-Wife” who just picked up and left one day, with almost every item in the house. He isn’t the one to blame for “Teenager’s” desire to know and be a family with his biological father and “Ex-Wife.” The anxieties, insecurities, anger, bitterness, and frustration that have arose from those underlying issues are not to be blamed on Hubby. But they are in a continuous never ending cycle, it goes around and around again till it lands on me or him.

Today I am taking peace in the knowledge that God made who I am and the way I am for a purpose. I cannot always see clearly the bigger picture, but I am trying to take the steps that He shows me to take, and try to be guided by His voice. He is my Shepherd in this valley.

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